Supporting Grieving Students: What to Say, What NOT to Say

May 3, 2016

This post is part of our Social-Emotional Development blog series.

Feelings are complicated, and sorrow is one of the most intense and individualized. Processing grief, expressing emotions, and learning to move forward when experiencing personal loss can seem like insurmountable tasks for anyone to tackle.

Children are particularly vulnerable in these difficult situations. They might find it hard to even wrap their head around the concept of death for the first time, or struggle to communicate the intensity of their sadness, anger, fear, relief, or confusion. Grief can become an overwhelming burden that weighs on school performance, social relationships, and behavior.

Teachers often find themselves on the front line when a child needs sensitive support. How can you know what to say, and what NOT to say, to help a grieving student? Today’s post, excerpted and adapted from The Grieving Student: A Teacher’s Guide, by David Schonfeld & Marcia Quackenbush, offers some thoughtful advice.

What to Do and Say

• Be present and authentic. Children are sensitive to dishonesty. Speak directly about your own feelings, but avoid manufacturing an emotional response. If you feel distressed by the child’s loss, you might say, “I was sorry to hear about your brother’s death. I feel very sad that he died. I know you must have some feelings about this. Would you like to talk about your brother or tell me what these last few days have been like?”

• Listen more, talk less. It’s fine to share personal feelings and express caring and concern briefly. Keep the focus on the child who is grieving and give them plenty of space and time to talk.

• Allow emotional expression. A more helpful intervention is to invite children to talk about their emotions as an important part of grieving. You can open the door to expression by saying: “Most people have strong feelings when something like this happens in their lives. Has that been true for you?”

• Demonstrate empathy. Reflect back what you see your student express, with compassion, sincerity, and without judgment. Offer an opportunity for them to open up by saying something like, “What have the last few days been like for you?”

• Stop harmful reactions when safety is a concern. You may find that some children react to grief with angry outbursts. Allow grieving children to express themselves but step in to help them stop if their behavior poses a risk to themselves or others.

What NOT to Say

• “I know exactly what you are going through.” It is not possible to know what another individual is going through, especially in a matter as profound as the loss of a loved one.

• “Both of my parents died when I was your age.” Avoid statements that compete with the child’s experiences of loss. Referring to someone else's loss can make the child's feelings feel insignificant.

• “My 15-year-old dog died last week. I feel very sad, too.” It is impossible to compare losses, and generally not useful to attempt to do so. Keep the focus on the child’s own unique experience.

• “You’ll need to be strong now for your family. It’s important to get a grip on your feelings.” Grieving children should not be told to suppress their emotions. Allow them to experience and express their feelings as part of coping.

• “I know this must be difficult, but it’s important to remember the good things in life as well.” Trying to cheer up grieving students may quiet their expressions of grief. Give them permission to express their powerful feelings.

• “You must be incredibly angry.” Avoid projecting feelings onto your student. Suggesting how they ought to feel is not helpful. Validate that there is no one right way to feel.

The bottom line is to lead with your heart and be genuine, while always being mindful that your words and actions can significantly affect a grieving child. When children feel safe in expressing their intense emotions, that time of grief can lead to personal understanding and growth.